I Am so Proud of Myself!

In March I entered a creative writing contest. I found out that I placed!!! The winners banquet was this past Sunday but do to the stupid flooding kept me from going. I found out Tuesday That the poem I entered got first place and the short story got second place!! I am so proud!!! I got a free copy of the book!!! I will be receiving a ribbon in the mail. Here are the entries: The poem is first the title is Snow!

falling from a indifferent sky

to blanket a receptive earth

filling the dry ice air

with its mystery

begging to be touched

and at the same time

demanding respect

each time it graces us

with its presence

making sure to flaunt

its natural authority

no one can control it

or change it

that’s the irresistible beauty of

snow

Here is the short story Love, Dawn

Pg. 1

Love, Dawn

Fiction

swimming in a sea of stress

and regret

not knowing what to do

keep going and break my legs

and arms down

or give up and drown

I’m taking a huge risk writing this down in my diary. If Brooke, my identical twin sister, found this she would probably show my mom. That is why I don’t write these kinds of feelings down. Even though I have them day after day.

From the outside I guess it looks like I have a pretty normal life. I have a good life and I’m well taken care of. But no one is in my mind but me, and I don’t even want to be there most days.

The world is just a horrible place to me. I know I’m little and don’t matter in this world. That truth eats me alive! I want to matter not just to my family, but to the world. This will never happen. Maybe I should just give up and die.

Pg.3

Love, Dawn

This seems like a nice and easy option. But every time I decide on it, thoughts of my family, particularly Brooke, creep in. I love my sister. She is the closest thing to a friend I have ever had. Though she and I are nothing alike. (In fact, daddy calls her his sun and me his moon.) I do know if I do decide to end it she will get through it. She is strong. I’m weak.

If I do kill myself, I wonder what it will be like. Will it hurt? Is there an afterlife? The pain probably won’t be that bad. I have always had a high pain tolerance. Anyway I have been cutting for years. As for an afterlife, the idea of God has always seemed crazy to me. Even if there is a God why would he or she care about us as a race? The fact of us being small is what this is all about.

Maybe I am going about this the wrong way. Everybody is always talking about doing what makes you happy. Which is great in theory, but in practice… I’m not so sure. What if what makes me happy makes others upset? Because what I want and what would make me truly happy is to die. In making me happy I will upset others. God I hate dilemmas!

I probably should just stop caring about what others want, and do what I need to do for me. The problem is I don’t know what I need exactly. Or what I really want. I want my hellish life to end, but I don’t want to cause the people I love to hurt. I don’t know if I can wake up another day though.

Maybe I should get help. I know there are people and places that can help with this kinda thing. I don’t want to be put on medicine though. Plus I’m too embarrassed to tell my family face to face. I could leave my diary out in plain sight. Brooke is a very curious person and if she saw it I know she will look. When she reads it I know she will tell daddy and maybe mom. But if I do get help will my family label me

Pg. 3

Love, Dawn

as a freak and treat me as an infant? What about the kids at school? I’m not sure the attention of me being a mental case is better than being ignored.

I have no future! My grades suck, finals are coming up soon and I’m not sure I will pass and make it to my senior year. Once daddy finds out that I’m failing four out of my six classes he is going to kill me. In order to have a future, I either have to go to college or rely on my talents. Well college, even community college, is definitely out. As for my talents… I have none!! So maybe I should end it before my parents do.

I used to have really good grades until recently. Once I started to understand the truth of my existence, school work and grades seemed pointless. If I don’t matter then why does school? Plus I have been incredibly depressed and unmotivated I just want to write and sleep. I’m also on edge because Brooke is getting suspicious and won’t stop asking me questions. I’m so very tired of it all.

I wonder what my family would do if I did kill myself. Be sad and not want to believe I could do such a thing? Be happy and forget I was ever here? Go all activist and tell everybody and publish my writings and get on the news so others can see the “signs”? Would Brooke hate me forever? The sad part is I don’t know if I want a reaction out of them. I just want to matter and be happy. I guess I’m asking for too much I don’t want to matter to my family. I already matter to the one in the family I care about and that’s Brooke. I want to matter to the world, to history, the big picture you know? If I’m not going to be the Shakespeare or da Vinci of our time, then why bother living at all?

Pg.4

Love, Dawn

I think I should stop rambling and bitching about my problems, and decide on a freaking solution. What do I want? I don’t know the dumb answer. I know I want to matter in the grand scheme of things and be happy. I know I can’t be happy unless I matter, I also know that I can’t matter. But I don’t want to hurt Brooke. Damn it this is too hard!

deciding my own movements

thinking up my own reasons

harder than it first appears

stop thinking

start feeling

soul numb to human

emotion

all but pain

is gone

close my eyes

when they open

Pg. 5

Love, Dawn

I’ll be in the world

of my desire

Love, Dawn